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Failed Writing Critique Expand / Collapse
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Posted 7/4/2010 1:41:26 PM


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Last Login: 12/24/2011 12:15:12 PM
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Okay, I started this while I was bored yesterday, and I'm not going to continue to write it. And personally, I think this is the total opposite of the other writing peice I posted. So I think it's really dumb. What do you think?

Here it is:

Thunder tried to catch up to the other colts. He wouldn't stand being teased one more time by Firefly.

"Hey, hurry up shortstuff!" Firefly whinnied from the top of the hill.

"Leave him alone, will you?" California asked angrily.

"Why should I?" Firefly sneered. "He's too slow..."

"Okay, cut it out, you two!" Athena whinnied angrily to the two colts. Her brown eyes glinted with annoyance.

"Sorry" California muttered, his head lowered in shame.

"Hmmph!" Firefly grumbled,"Noone's going to boss me around!"

During the time Athena had been critisizing Firefly and California, Thunder had arrived on the hill and was silently standing away from the group.

"Oh, look, he made it up, that wasn't too slow..." Athena exclaimed.

"Yeah, I know." Thunder muttered in response.

---


~Helena~



Made by my Secret Santa (I think) ;D

Post #1418048
Posted 7/4/2010 1:59:37 PM


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Aside from some minor grammatical and spelling mistakes, you really need to work on giving your writing substance and description. Right now, it's just back and forth dialogue- who are these characters? Where are they? Why are they there? Of course, you might not want to answer these questions right away, but you should give the reader something to go on besides their conversation.

Good start :]


RIP Alex, Apache, Cane, Fuzzy, Juniper, Mr. P, and Tazz. I love you all so much
DeviantART
Post #1418052
Posted 7/4/2010 2:06:24 PM


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Okay thanks for the advice, and I'm glad you thought that it was a good start.

---


~Helena~



Made by my Secret Santa (I think) ;D

Post #1418055
Posted 6/10/2014 8:45:22 PM
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write a book

juliette

Post #2012136
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